Sunday, December 11, 2016

Guns Don't Kill Dates, I do.

Let's be clear, the title is about the fella you're about to read about.  I originally made a second page entitled "Date Hell" as a special place to put all of those awful, special dates... the way that awful and special souls have a special place to go in the afterlife. However, I realized that I could only add to it vs. have separated entries and that annoyed me... so I've now moved this and x-nayed the separate page.

As a means to semi be nice and not throw these poor souls who can take all they can get in the date-points field, I'll try my best to leave names out of it.  This was certainly what we would call a "bumble fumble".   Oh, for those that don't know, Bumble is like a slight step up from Tinder in that it's not entirely full of "hook-up" seekers.... "entirely".  See, I refuse to pay for dating, I feel like that should come after I get kicked out of a convent; However, dating utilizing free apps most certainly has it's cons.

Laura thought, maybe an older guy is where it's at.  I figured I have this list of "musts" and people just are. not. cutting. it.   So, what seemed easiest to perhaps bend the expectation on? Age.  I sure as fuck was not about to make my age range younger, but I thought I might be able to find an older guy, possibly divorced but sane, more likely to have a good job, more likely to be wanting something substantial.... more likely to be a fucking douche on a stick seemed to be the end result.

First off, the red flag should have been that he wanted to meet up after like two sentences of conversation.  I even made a comment about that to the extent of, "you haven't even heard my good jokes yet."  Anyway, my second red flag should have been that he was spending that particular evening down at a local place I became familiar with when dating a complete disgrace of a person (I know that sounds harsh, but you have no idea). But whatever, I agreed to meeting up for a beer on a Friday.  He suggests a place called "Players"..... RED FLAG, LAURA... RED FLAG.  Laura's hesitation of responding must have prompted his "or we could go somewhere else."  I realized later he was just wanting to go where he could watch the game, but come on. Anyway, we end up at BJ's as I said I'd want some food.

We're at the bar at BJ's... great place to sit and get to know someone, but he was for sure preoccupied by the game.  Then the conversation made me want to just go home.  This guy.... ugh. Where to even start.

Guns-guns-guns-guns.  WE GET IT!!! You fucking LOVE GUNS! "I love guns, I love to go shooting.  I have lots of guns. You should have a gun.  Not having a gun is like saying you should just leave your front door unlocked because your home is secure.  Saying you wouldn't shoot someone is like saying you wouldn't fight someone off who's trying to rape you. My guns have names, they're named Bill, Hillary, Chelsea, and Monica... my gun friends think it's funny."
Shut. The. Fuck. Up.
1. No, sir.... saying I wouldn't shoot another human being is NOT saying that I'd happily lay back and be raped.  You better fucking bet I would fight to the fucking death likely, but no if I had a gun I could not physically choose to shoot a person because fighting someone is different than highly likely killing them.  HUGE difference.
2. Locking my door and having a gun to shoot someone are two completely different things.  I also lock my door so that my animals won't run away if it were to blow open... having a gun won't fucking stop that.
3.  I'm glad you find your gun naming cute and funny.... I hope they also keep you warm and feeling loved at night while you probably jerk off to them.

California Hating
Home boy has come from out of state.  His residing locations within this beautiful state have been Fresno, Sacramento, and some work (not sure if he lived there) in Oroville.  I'm just gonna say, if Fresno and Oroville were ANYONE'S glimpse into California living... I would completely understand.  But no, he tells me how much he hates California, how everyone in California is fleeing California to go elsewhere.  He doesn't like the politics in California... and it's a crying fucking shame that he can't just be open carrying his pistol around.  "If I were in Arizona, I could just be walking around in the middle of the day just like what's up? **gestures to his hip to the pretend pistol**"  I responded, "Do you find that you need to have a pistol with you in the middle of the day frequently?"  "Well yah," he says, "If I need to shoot someone."  Mother. Fucker.  This is EXACTLY why we don't need every Tom, Dick, and Harry fucking carrying a goddamn pistol around as their American given right.

This mother fucker starts telling me about how he doesn't cook anything anymore he orders it all so that he doesn't have to "dirty" any dishes or cooking utensils.  He also tells me that he finally went shopping for the first time ever and then begins to brag about how his entire outfit was new "new jeans, new shirt, new underwear.."  I said, "It sounds like you were out all night and needed clothes for tonight. That's what we call a go-pack."  He then tells me later that he has no clean clothes because he hasn't done laundry and that if he can pay for other people to do things he will... this asshole actually said, "like if i can pay some lady to clean my house, I will.. and do."  I responded, "you live alone right?"  "Yah" he says.  "You can't pick up after your damn self?"  This guy being single made so much sense.

The Rating.
The game is over, my beer is empty, he's ready to go.  Perfect.  Let's get the fuck out of this situation.
He walks me to my car and he says, "So what'd you think?"  I responded, "Excuse me?"  He repeats, "So what'd you think? I thought this was fun and we should do it again."  I look at him and I say, "Are you asking for a rating?" What the fuck am I supposed to say to this?  "Are we doing a 1-10? 1-5? a how likely are you?"  Fucking... you know what, just shoot me now... with Monica... she seemed like the best choice in your collection.

The City of Hearts that Certainly Won Mine

Well, Thanksgiving just happened.  Those who know me might know that a tradition the hubs and I had was to write a blog of what we were thankful for each year as a means to remind ourselves of all the blessings we'd had amidst the trials of cancer.  Last year I did one, on my own obviously, also to explain how this holiday has had my heart for many years.  That reason being that my first date with the hubs was Thanksgiving 2007.

This year, I did not do one of these posts for a couple of reasons:

A. I didn't feel like utilizing the old leukemia log blog just for that.
B. I may or may not have spent Thanksgiving in transit... to Denmark.

Okay, by "may or may not" I mean that I for sure did.  That's right, I spent my Holiday weekend in Copenhagen, Denmark.  Now, this was very well kept on the relative "down low" as the youngsters say.  I may have thought it would be funny to up and go and not say anything until I was there and that's exactly what I did.  Having said that, the few people who did know seemed to ask the question of, "Why Copenhagen?"

The reason being is because it was current manfriend's birthday (pause, yes a character has just been introduced) ... current manfriend turned 30 this month and it seemed like it should be celebrated with some sort of hurrah involved dealio.  I found some rather uber cheap flights and said (naturally), "Stockholm or Copenhagen?"  Copenhagen was chosen so we found an adorable flat on AirBnB to call home for a few days and off we went. 

Copenhagen, Oh Kobenhavn.  What a city! I can't even figure out where to begin.  I fell in love (with the CITY, guys... don't get carried away).  Why?  For starters, the city had hearts EVERYWHERE; the streets were lined with them, the shops had logos with them, the Queen's Guards' huts were even adorned with them.  Seriously, the city just burst with love and life and so much holiday spirit that even I couldn't be a grinch.

 Round Tower (Rundetaarn) 

So this was one of our first stops.  It's a 17th Century tower which is mostly a cobblestoned ramp-like walk up (super great leg work out) and about half way up it hosted an exhibit called "The Museum of Broken Relationships."  Interesting concept, this museum.  So it's been traveling around the world and essentially people submit articles from past relationships along with a story or blurb... or sometimes nothing, but the idea is that they gain some amount of closure by sending off their obscure saved mementos of the shit they went through.  This ranged from pairs of shoes, to souvenirs that matched other lovers-on-the-side, dildos (seriously, no joke), to even IVF kits.  It was really interesting.

Once you'd worked your way to the top of the tower you were rewarded with a bone chilling wind and a 360* view of the city of Copenhagen.

It's worth noting that I had on boots, jeans, leg warmers, clearly a scarf and hat, two shirts, a sweater, a jacket, and gloves... Pretty sure I still nearly froze to death.

 Took a canal tour which was pretty neat, got to see a lot of the city and landmarks via the waterway... and also froze nearly half to death, but look at this gorgeous view. Seriously a beautiful city.


Tivoli Gardens is the oldest operating amusement park in the world.  Pretty neat little fun fact.  It was still cold AF so we felt adventurous and thought we would try what they call gløgg.... yes, i feel that the underlining, bolding, and italics are needed to emphasize the name of this "beverage."  With each sip, my body shuttered and I thought, "It's okay, the next one won't be so bad" and with each sip I continued that same process... not through just one cup, but TWO.  Yes, my dumb self thought one was not enough, that maybe a second cup would miraculously be amazing. When this was not the case, I then felt that typical wine was needed and proceeded to find myself leaving a Danish amusement park and attending first a Scottish Pub and then an Irish Pub and having enough glasses of wine that I can for sure add this evening to the extremely short list of nights that resulted in a hangover.  The moral of the story is, never drink Glogg... just go for the usual.

 Street Food is Where. It's. At.

Needless to say, the immediate photo below is of some EXTREMELY delicious potatoes that 
Hit. The. Spot.
They were roasted to perfection along with other veggies, bacon, cheese... and sticks? Mmmm.
 We then found ourselves hungover and wandering around the city which led us to Freetown Christiania... let me go ahead and put a plug to the wikipedia page of this little gem for ya. 
 We happened to be there during a legalize weed rally which was interesting.  There were a couple of coffee shops and a bakery which smelled amazing, but I was too suspicious of the likely ingredients involved to feel adventurous enough to try.  Literally every ten feet or so were groups of 2-5 men in complete cover from the cold including balaclavas only revealing their eyes, shouting "I have hash, weed, and space cakes!" as we walked by wondering how in the norm this was. 
 I'd like to point out that the reason we'd wound up in that commune was because I had heard of this street food place in Christianshavn (Christiania is within Christianshavn).  Essentially, this was a MASSIVE warehouse that had been turned into the largest food court you'll have ever seen.  There were I want to say about three to four aisles (we'll call them) of little permanent huts for each vendor.  It was AMAZING.  There was everything you could imagine from all around the world.  I personally had some delicious Moroccan street food, manfriend went for tacos... because "when in Rome"--you eat food from home? I don't know. Anyway, the above photo is of a Creme Brûlée Donut.  I don't even need to say anymore about that.

The Little Mermaid

Apparently people come from far and wide to see this lovely lady on a rock.  It's modeled after a human model, therefore it is human sized. It was a gift to the city of Copenhagen, which is something we learned on our boat tour is common-- the city of Copenhagen has been "gifted" many things. It's quite strange but quite interesting at the same time.

15 Prostevej 
Our little home-away-from-home for a few days.

A Sunset to Warm the Heart

The Wonderful Heart-Lined Streets that Stole My Own Heart

It was a great trip. A truly wonderful trip. My heart will forever hold very dear this spontaneous decision of mine.  At one point I found myself in what was called Christmas Market which seemed to be somewhat City Center and it was there, holding a delicious little blue mug of cocoa, that my heart just felt overwhelmed with a sense of happiness that I have not felt in so very long. Because of that moment, when I got back I wrote what I will include below as my closing thoughts on this entry.  Enjoy.