The Clinger

First thing's first, it's been awhile.  Let's just acknowledge that and let me apologize for not staying on top of this endeavor.  Here's the thing, I stopped having bad dates!  I know, I know, it was bittersweet for me too.  While I'm now two years into this relationship, I keep thinking about the stories I never did share.   So, here we go.

The Clinger. 

Hold onto your hair, Norma, because this one is going to drive you bonkers.  This guy was legit the reason I googled "beachfront convents" in hopes of finding a unicorn of a place where I could just finish out my years on Earth.  This was my very brief encounter with the app called "clover" and I cannot emphasize "brief" enough.  First of all, that app allows people outside of the parameters that you've set and outside of those you've "matched" with to message you! That is just madness!  Can we all agree that very.  little.  good.  could possibly come from that cocktail of contact criteria.  Especially if you're like me and it's very challenging to come out the gate a total asshole so you passive aggressively skate around the "I'm not interested" issue.  Alas, you're not here for the good stories though are you, so let's continue shall we?

Red Flag Number 1:  Dude has next to no photos, not of full body or clear images anyway.  Maybe he's just not into taking photos?  I don't know.  Homeboy lived in Napa which on paper would seem a viable option:  Decent location, far enough to not always be taking up my time, must be a certain level of SES one would think.  So I thought, let's not fret about the lack of photos, don't be so vain after all.  (Absolutely, one should be so vain #toptip)

Red Flag Number 2:  He told me he was set to go to Disneyland with his family, but had changed his flight so as to potentially drive the hour and a half to meet me for dinner.  This absolutely should have been my first clue.  One Hundred Percent.  I had clearly said there was no need but he wasn't having it, he insisted and I obliged.  

Red Flag Number 3:  He has me meet him outside of Bath and Body Works because he needed to stop and buy stuff for his "Airbnbs".  I thought, "Oh, he lives in Napa and he has a couple of Airbnbs, how bad can this be???" I arrive and he says he's checking out so I just wait in my car.  I see him come out the store and I just start praying for it to not be him.  Remember the "5'10 = 5'6" blog??? Roughly based on this dude (and others).  HE WAS SO SHORT!!!! I was now upset.  The photo gallery was Absolutely Necessary and now I'm feeling like he's pigeon-holed me into being an asshole because I can't claim it's "false advertising" because there wasn't any advertising, but this guy is just not attractive.  I don't even care how quickly I'm going to hell for this, if you've done any online dating then you have likely experienced this moment where you're just like "FUCK. How long do I need to stay before I can duck out of this?" or "why didn't I set up the decoy phone call with my friend?!"  

Red Flag Number 4:  I proceed as if I'm unscathed by this shock to the system and I ask, "so where are we going for dinner?"  I want to first note that we are in Roseville, California and we are near the mall where literally dozens of mid-seriously nice restaurants exist.  He replies, "Tahoe Joe's."  Now, I've never at this point been to Tahoe Joe's but mainly because, well... why?

Moral Quandary Number 1: So we're in separate cars and we have to now drive to Tahoe Joe's.  Please note I'm at this point not sure whether to laugh like a crazy person or cry that this is my life and I'm in my late 20's with this as my dating pool.  The quandary is now, do I actually drive to Tahoe Joe's and do this dinner or do I just drive the fuck home, block the number, potentially change my number, maybe even my name, and proceed as if I have a time machine and this never happened? 

I elected to drive as fast as I could (legally) so that I could get there and walk directly to the waitress and hand her my card, instructing her to "just run it when we are done, don't bring the bill, just make sure it's paid."  I was not about to stay longer or owe any continued contact with this person.

Red Flag Number 5:  We are now sitting across from each other in this fucking Tahoe Joe's and he asks to see my hand.  I hesitantly present my hand thinking there's something on it or wrong and he DOUBLE hand holds my hand.  One hand on top and one hand on bottom, cradling my hand.  I experienced a (very noticeable) visceral reaction in which I cringed and quickly withdrew my hand and tried not to vomit. 

Red Flag Number 6:  He did not stop talking... about himself.  All of his ventures from his Airbnbs in some rather desirable places, to his showing off of photos for the client he represented on some talent show (America's Got Talent, or Idol, or who knows maybe even the Gong Show... clearly I wasn't listening), to also showing me photos of him on the Raider's Field with John Madden (admittedly, I initially wrote Steve) while he talked about his potential designing the new Raider's Stadium (he's an architect too, btw).  It keeps going, and going, and going; as my interest keeps decreasing and decreasing. Why weren't these photos on his "profile"?? 

Moral Quandary Number 2: This guy is driving me up the wall (and not in the way you'd want), he's not attractive, he's much shorter than I could realistically disregard, but he may or may not have some seriously good connections and the potential to provide a really comfortable lifestyle.  Do I just own up to the fact that I just can't do this and I'm feeling physically sick the more he talks or do I bite the bullet and see if a second date might reveal how much smoke is being blown here? 

Red Flag Number 7:  He gets upset when the lady brings the settled bill to me.  Not over the top upset so I can't utilize this as a reason to call it, but he's clearly annoyed.  This does not however stop him from continuing to talk about his fancy cars and how I should come visit and we'd go to one of his Airbnbs.  It's important to note that I believe the only contribution I made to the conversation through the entirety of dinner was me saying that Costco's new packaging of milk was so absurd (being in rectangles with flat tops) that I was no longer buying their milk and now buying organic at three times the price just to be able to pour milk from a normal gallon container (This will be important later).  

He continues to talk about himself and we leave the restaurant, again he says something to where I think something is on me so I turn my back to him expecting, I don't know-- a giant spider to be swatted off of me because how can this evening get any worse???  No.  Suddenly his hands are on my shoulders and he's trying to give me a massage!!!  

My response was almost MMA level duck-and-turn-around and then I excused myself and went home for the night.  He drove all the way home and proceeded to text me that if I wanted, he'd turn around and come all the way back.  No thank you. A heavy pass for me.  

Moral Quandary Number 3: Do I ghost him, be direct, or just hope it fizzles? 

I executed all of these in reverse order.  It was certainly not fizzling.  I then told him directly that I just wasn't into him.  He continued to message me.  Now here's where the milk fact comes in.  Every time I thought it had fizzled out, I'd get a text that would read "I was just in costco and I didn't buy the weird milk. You should come visit."  WTF?!  This went on for MONTHS.  Our date was in August and well into the holidays I was still getting these rando messages!!!!  I then went from being direct to coming up with anything I could possibly conjure up:

1. I'm dating someone.

2. I'm moving... far away.

3. I'm considering becoming a nun.

4. (my favorite) I've joined a patriarchal occult and the leader would not be happy if I was talking to another male.  His response:  Cool, can I join???

I could not shake this guy.  So I just took to the "ghosting" but I didn't block, I just ignored.  Fast forward to Valentine's Day and at FIVE AM.... FIVE AM, PEOPLE.... at five am he texts "Happy Valentine's Day, we do not get to choose who we love..."  followed by other stuff I've blocked out of my memory.  It was at this point in time that the real life boyfriend blocked him for me.  

That, ladies and gentlemen, is the longest story to capture a well and truly frightening example of The Clinger. 

The Vegan

There are certain life choices and stances people take and one of those is veganism.  Now, I have no problem with vegans (apart from they make horrible brunch dates), but I certainly learned I can not date one.

The Vegan.  Our first date we met up at a cafe and he said he was going to be ordering the portobello burger, which sounded good but I was going to order the turkey burger.  He tells me he's a vegan and my response was, "well you may be, but I'm going to order the turkey burger."  We continued to have a great discussion though and talked about The Walking Dead for ages and it was an enjoyable evening.  Homeboy let me know his degree from biology had taken him from counting ants in a forest for science to growing weed for seemingly some pretty big deal. We didn't really get together again for a long time, think he had a little fling with his ex again and so on.  But randomly we started messaging one another, met up for a couple of lunch dates with his dog Pablo... Pablo Escobar... aka "Pabs".

Few keynotes for the story about The Vegan.  We met up for drinks on his birthday when I was out with my friend and he was with his roomie. During introductions, my friend casually says, "We've met." Vegan responds, "No we haven't."  She insists "You look very familiar."  He shoots me a glance as I'm wanting to die where I'm stood and says, "I guess I must look like alllllll the others, have a type?"  Later on through further conversation, we find out that he and my friend had actually matched on a dating app previously and that was why he "looked familiar".  His friend sober drove while the other three of us got rather drunk, dropped us off at her place in midtown, and I was sent away with a simple kiss by the outside stairwell.  Time went by and we'd randomly message between his farming deals (ha, "farming").  Then summer came around and we started seeing each other more frequently following what I will say shamelessly, a very very late night random hook up. We began having more brunch dates, a dog date--in which my dog attempted to kill Pabs... straight for the jugular, that's my girl.  The Vegan was not impressed, but it was most certainly his fault by asking her to retrieve his toy.  He came over for a brunch I'd hosted with friends and as I've previously mentioned, vegans make shit brunch dates.  I found vegan bacon, guys... vegan bacon, and I also made vegan pancakes specially for him.

He was a good conversationalist guys, but extremely opinionated I soon found out.  The last keynote of The Vegan is that he was this close (pretend you can see my thumb and forefinger nearly touching)... this close to convincing me to buy property to grow weed on so that one day I could have a beach house. POINT IS, I didn't.  I'll be honest, I'm not really 100% sure what happened, the more time spent with him the more interest I lost.  It's one thing to smoke weed, it's another to be constantly high, and another to be doing some rather shady shit.
I think once I had eaten some meat and cheese my brain may have come to while he was away on a farming crisis and I just decided the lucrative vegan life wasn't for me .... and continued on swiping left and right.

Moral to this story is, don't date a vegan... Pretty sure it's bad for your health

Ned Flanders

Let me first start by saying that I'm no longer on the dating app scene so the stories about dating-app related dates will be past dates that I just feel are worth a mention.

Now that that's out of the way, when I first entered the world of dating and began using these apps it may be fair to say that I assumed people were just more generous or well-intended than maybe they actually were.  Now that's not to say that anything horrible happened to me, it's just to say that I found some very nice people who helped this poor widow out who now had to learn "manly" tasks and how to use power tools to fix things.  For this, I may have caught what seems to be justified flack for utilizing dating apps as a handyman service.  One of these fellows will go by the name Ned Flanders.

Now, Ned was a nice guy.  We matched up but hadn't met up.  We had messaged back and forth and compared who was the better aunt or uncle and shared pleasant conversation time to time, but just didn't bother to actually have a date.  Well, the roommate at the time had ordered a wall mount for her TV and she was rather antsy to have it installed so that she could have TV in her room.  I of course being the stubborn and independent person I am, I thought this can't be that hard.  Well... 13 holes in the wall later and still no located stud.  Ned happened to text me and ask me what I was doing and I sent a photo of the now hole filled wall and just said, "failing to find a stud."

Now, give me a break.  I totally in hindsight realize how that sounded, but we can all acknowledge what I was intending was completely innocent.  It's now about 10:30PM and looking dismal in regards to our abilities in completing this task.  Ned of course responded with some comment about how he's a stud and told me that he used to do construction for Habitat for Humanity or some other various charitable construction based outfit.  Long story short, he drove about 20 miles to come in the middle of the night to a stranger's house to securely fasten a TV mount.  He was really good, showed up, with next to no effort he had this thing secured to the wall, even put all the items away, and it was a pleasant exchange.  On his way out the door he asked, "Need anything else?"  I said, "What else can you do?" and he replied, "I can set up electronics but not really fix them."  "Nope, don't need any of that, thanks!" I told him I owed him a coffee and that was that.

Fast forward, we ended up eventually going on a date when I bought tickets to go see Sac Republic FC and invited him.  A nice gentleman, he picked me up and drove us there and this is when it begins.  I of course have no problem dropping and F bomb here and an F bomb there.  We're driving and someone cuts him off and he says, "You booger-pants." or something really 7 year old like and definitely utilizing the word booger.  I laughed and apologized for my previous swearing and he told me he just really tries not to swear and instead uses words like "booger" and "poop head" as well as a list of maybe another four rather odd sounding items from a 27 year old.

Then, we are nearing the stadium and homeboy points to the right and says, "That's where my square-dancing club is."
Internal Dialogue: He did not say "square-dance".   "What was that?" I ask.
"I do square-dancing and we practice over there."
Internal Dialogue: He did just say that. I didn't think people still did that. "Oh, that's cool. I didn't quite catch what you'd said the first time."
Internal Dialogue: What the fuck, Laura.  You're going to send this guy home feeling like an 8 year old who just watched his first R rated film.  Get it together. 

So we watch the game and during the game he points out someone working the field as a member of his square-dance group.  How is it that thirty minutes prior I didn't even know that this even EXISTED outside of middle school gym class and maybe Oklahoma? And now, you're telling me that there is more than one person in conversational distance of me that does this?!

Anyway, the date or payment of hanging the wall mount was good, there were some G rated laughs and he dropped me off at home.  Over the next couple of months Ned invites me over for "no-pants parties" entailing cookies and Netflix or ice cream sandwiches and Netflix. I mean, at least he knew to appeal to my inner fat kid, but I was too lazy to drive to where he was and didn't bother.  Queue an evening dinner and drink with a coworker and feeling like I've not been validated enough by a guy I was pretty interested in... I text old Ned Flanders and I make the drive over there.  There were no ice cream sandwiches or cookies, but there was Netflix.  Now, the only non-Ned Flanders thing about him was that we definitely had the ole s-e-x and it was good until in The...Most.... Ned Flanders Way.... he says "Wow."  and not once, but several times.  It for sure made me uncomfortable.  "Wow" .... "Wow"  it was like worst than the clip of Lumbergh on Office Space:

In the morning he talked to me about Disneyland and how much it costs to go, letting me know what a Disney fan he was.  Of course you are, Ned.  Needless to say we really didn't ever hang out after that, talked a tiny bit, but I just couldn't hang with it.  My theory was that if he was in fact just that nice then he might be a serial killer or being around me would make him one.  I don't know, didn't want to find out.  60-40 guys... 60-40.  Also, always have ice cream sandwiches or cookies on hand. 

5'10" = 5'6"

So now that we have established a couple of things- those things being what the 60:40 rule is and that dating via apps fucking sucks... Let's discuss some basics in the dating app world... mostly, let's discuss "cat fishing" and how much you want to punch someone in the groin for doing it.

"Cat fishing" is evidently the term that is used when someone sells themselves as Package A and they are in fact not even a package of the alphabetical type, but some fucking shipped in from China knock off that you're not sure has anything to do with what you ordered.

When I first entered into the world of dating again and utilizing apps, I heard the following phrase quite frequently from my dates, "Oh thank GOD you look like your photo!"  The first couple of times I was genuinely surprised, "Why wouldn't I?" was my response.  To which I then became incredibly interested in the experiences these guys had previously encountered and I learned about this word, "catfish".  WHYYYYYY would anyone do this?! Like how fucking embarrassing for both parties.  If you have any intention of meeting up with this person, whyyyyy would you put either of you in the position of "Oh, sorry.  Yeah I'm not a 5'9", 140lb, blonde-haired, blue eyed blonde, who loves hiking, dogs, comic books, loads of pizza, and gaming.... mostly just the last three are true... maybe just the second to last."  Like, seriously... What. The. Fuck. Nonetheless, I asked each of these guys what they did in these scenarios and I just want to point out that even via an app I sometimes am a damn good judge of character as each of them said they still bought the ladies in question their dinner ... as they also proceeded to ask them what the fuck is wrong with them. ha.  

I digress, the point is-- knock it off, ladies! Jesus fucking Christ! If you're that uncomfortable with yourself do yourself the favor and fucking be honest because it for suuuuuuuure isn't going to be a better way to go about it by having that awkward moment.

But gentlemen... you're fucking awful too. So homegirl lied about her weight and her cat obsession (let's be honest, that's pretty much the gist of it), but fuck me when it comes to guys lying about their HEIGHT!!!! You want to talk about awkward?! Awkward is expecting you could put some wedges on and still get a decent hug while looking up and then finding out you have to bend down to pat the back of a dwarf awkwardly like you're still interested.  Here's the thing, I don't think I've ever once asked a guy what his height is.  Guys, on the other hand, ask chicks for loooooads of additional photos to prove their current state of whatever.  Guys... guys list their height!!!! They actually put it on there "6 foot because apparently that matters" or  "Don't worry, you can wear heels."  Jesus, nice creative line dude.

In any case... 6 foot = 6 foot.  I can confirm that people don't seem to lie about that one.  Anything 6 foot and up seems to be legit and honest, comfortable in being honest about their height if you will.
Now, it get's dicey below 6 foot.  Here's why:

5'11" is probably going to tell you he's 6' and you know what, give it to him.
5'10" I've yet to meet 5'10" but I'll tell you this- at least three times now I've seen "5'10"" listed on a profile and homeboy turns up and is either my height or shorter (aka he's fucking 5'6").  Every time I have to practice my poker face and pretend I don't notice the FUCKING FOUR INCH DISCREPANCY! Like seriously dude!!! How was I not going to notice this?  And this isn't a matter of "oh well maybe I can win her over with my amazing personality"  NO... NO... NO! Because now I'm legit just staring and wondering how you thought I wasn't going to notice this.

Why haven't I mentioned anything below 5'10"?  Because no one lists they're shorter than 5'10".  If there's no listing, you can guarantee they're short AF. Get your detective skills on and study their pictures for points of reference (like doors and other friends, but don't rely on the friend photos because they could be a whole gang of dwarves).

My other theory here is also that because they know you'll notice, they really do try to win you over by just non-stop talking about all of the great things they've done or are doing and how successful they are.  **Yawn** It's not okay.  It is not okay for me to think I'm going to meet some handsome dude and find out that a child-sized-man has shown up and I could probably beat him up. Just stop it, guys.  That's not a 60:40 master move.  It just isn't.  That's you being your own damn cock-block. Because now the chick across from you is wondering what else is likely not the size she thought-- just saying.

How to get in her Pants and Stay There

I have quickly come to find how complex the dating world can be and I am incredibly grateful that awkward-as-all-fuck young Laura did not have to do a whole lot of it before locking down the husband.  Awkward-as-all-fuck older Laura; however, is totally finding this to be a gruesome sport (yes, it often feels like a sport) in which the rules are always changing, the expectations of what it means to be a female seem to be ever evolving, it's a complete and utter magic 8 ball chance when it comes to the intent of others... let me just say, it's not my favorite thing.

As a female, a 28 year old female, we are expected to have our lives together job and housing wise, be young and fit, be both a classy-domestic-goddess and somehow like a secret sex-crazed animal in the bedroom.  That's fucking exhausting.  Not to say I haven't got this like down, but it really is kind of exhausting.  Like women are hard-wired... HARD... WIRED... to just be fucking hands down amazing at everything all for the sake of finding some man-child who will bring home the bacon, tell her she's pretty, and do a mediocre job at using his penis to make her orgasm.  That's legit how it is.
Now let me tell you how it is for a man.

Men think that women are superficial and that they want some hot guy who makes a ton of money, will whisk her away on dreamy vacations, make her culinary masterpieces and even clean up the kitchen afterward, they think we want someone who takes their shirt off and makes our jaws drop to the floor with their amazing abs just before they throw us over their shoulder to take us to the bedroom for the best sex ever, and then lay in bed for hours saying how lucky they are to have such an amazing woman and that they'll never stick their penis in any other vagina because ours is so amazing and all they'll ever need.     .... Okay, you got me.  Yes, that is absolutely what every woman wants.  But here's the thing, we aren't fucking stupid and we know that's beyond the possible just as the above expectation for women is ridiculous (even though we do obviously crush it daily).  That being said... here's all a man really has to do:

Exist.  

Just kidding. But seriously, apart from maybe having a decent full time job, paying your own bills, knowing how to do your own laundry, being like half way decent looking by taking a shower on the regular, and just being fucking nice and loyal... that's really it.  I've actually given some decent thought to this and even pilot tested my theory with some pointers to guy friends and it appears I've developed some sort of formula that will help any guy find a lady friend and keep her (should he so please).

Introducing, The 60:40 Rule.

The 60:40 Rule is the idea that every girl loves a little mystery to their man.  From being little and watching Disney to graduating to some PG-13 films where we go through our streak of loving us some bad-boys turned good-we really need a bit of mystery, a bit of does he like me, the feeling of having to work for it a little bit (but not too much).  We need to feel like we've earned something.  No one wants the free shit being handed out at the mall that isn't really free, it's a sample that now if you've stopped to accept it you have to listen to some God awful sales pitch and you have like a 70% chance of leaving with more shit you wanted nothing to do with in the first place all to get someone to shut up.  That's true in dating too.  You don't want the fucking freebie because it's only a lure to a place you don't want to go.

The 60 in the 60:40 is that mystery.  It's the sarcasm, the quiet moments where he's looking at you and you're wondering "Is there spaghetti on my face or is he admiring how beautiful my eyes are?" but you'll never know.  It's the feeling that you want to look your best every time you see this guy because you want him to want you just as much, but you both play it cool (which by the way, makes the sex better).  The sixty is the little jokes that as a guy you should make-- don't be mean, like just little jokes here and there, be sarcastic, be witty, leave her thinking you always know a tad bit more, master your clever look.

The important part is the 40.  Too much 60 makes you an asshole.  Too little makes you too easy and you become the free sample in the mall. The 40 is the part where you say nice things, where you make her dinner, where you compliment her and tell her you want her to be your forever-fuck-partner (that's similar to like a forever home for dogs, but for your penis). This is where you channel your inner Disney prince and you say and do things for her that she won't necessarily share with her girlfriends or your friends but she'll just say "I don't know guys, he's just so sweet" and that's good because you don't lose man-points, but you've earned get-in-her-pants points.

So how do you balance these? Let me tell you. You're welcome by the way, guys and girls alike... because this might just re-invent the wheel for you.  Here's how this gets balanced, I'll give a few examples.

Example 1 - Telling a girl she looks great before a date

Nice Guy: You're just so gorgeous.
This is nice, don't get me wrong. But many girls haven't learned how to take compliments and if it's how the dialogue is most the time, it will start to feel freebie-ish.

Asshole: I can't wait to bend you over and fuck you.
Just, ew.  Like there's the feeling of "I don't know how to respond to 'You're gorgeous'" and then there's the feeling of "well that's kind of nice, but if I say thanks am I saying that's what we're doing later? What did he say his name was again?" 

60:40 master: You look really good in that, those jeans make your ass look hot. 
This is where it's at.  Girl has just spent an hour and a half debating what damn articles of clothing to put together to make sure that ass looks hot and her hair is flawless... that little pat on the back goes a loooong way and following it with the subtle version of "by the way you're also really sexy" makes her blush and know to say "thank you" and she's not feeling like you're an absolute scum bag. 


Example 2- Telling a girl you really appreciate her cooking you dinner

Nice Guy: Thank you so much for making me dinner, I love mac 'n' cheese. (Maybe insert awkward across the table hand touch here).
Now, it may not seem like there's anything wrong with this, but you might friend-zone yourself here. She was going to make you dinner anyway and awkward hand touches are just that-awkward.  Don't reach across the damn table to hold hands.  At that point you may as well be the couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth and feeding each other while everyone else gags and calls you weirdos.  It's just too much. 

Asshole: How about we skip the dinner (that she just spent an hour preparing while also trying to still look flawless) and go go the bedroom.
The fuck.  No.  You will sit down and enjoy this dinner and you'll tell me how amazing it is and that I fucking look good cooking it and you can't wait to show off your culinary skills by making me a delicious dinner where all I have to do is enjoy it and admire your good looks.  Where's the wine?!

60:40 Master: Can I pour you a glass of wine? This looks delicious, almost as delicious as you making it.  Next time I'll have to spoil you by making you dinner. 
Excuse me while I blush and all I can say is "shutup, I got it at costco and just threw it in the oven, but what's that about you cooking?"  


Now, I know what you're thinking... this is just you Laura.  No. I can guaran-fucking-tee that this will work on at LEAST 90% of the female population.  We don't like overly touchy, compliment spewing, practically begging for our reciprocal affection.  While we like feeling sexy AF (that stands for "as fuck") we also don't like feeling like a piece of meat and we want our damn effort fucking recognized.  Like I said, it's hard fucking work being a sex machine of a domestic goddess who looks flawless 100% of the time, but we fucking do it so acknowledge that ok?!  Balancing the sexiness with the reciprocating spoiling notion is sexy AF.  Thank you for acknowledging all the hard work I did to gain your interest and for mildly expressing that you want to do the same for me because I'm a fucking catch. That's right.

I'm telling you.  This shit is how you get in a girl's pants and you stay there. Get this down and the world of women is your oyster... which is also an aphrodisiac so you're welcome. I'm just a plethora of helpful information.  Now if only I could find that 60:40 master.  I think I may have, but we shall see.  At the end of the day, as I've said, the female is hard wired to work for that life-long mate.  All we want is the security of feeling we are always more than enough, but that are efforts are warranted and appreciated.  I've not done enough field research yet to confirm what the female's ratio is for getting a man to commit but I'll get back to y'all on that one.

Guns Don't Kill Dates, I do.

Let's be clear, the title is about the fella you're about to read about.  I originally made a second page entitled "Date Hell" as a special place to put all of those awful, special dates... the way that awful and special souls have a special place to go in the afterlife. However, I realized that I could only add to it vs. have separated entries and that annoyed me... so I've now moved this and x-nayed the separate page.

As a means to semi be nice and not throw these poor souls who can take all they can get in the date-points field, I'll try my best to leave names out of it.  This was certainly what we would call a "bumble fumble".   Oh, for those that don't know, Bumble is like a slight step up from Tinder in that it's not entirely full of "hook-up" seekers.... "entirely".  See, I refuse to pay for dating, I feel like that should come after I get kicked out of a convent; However, dating utilizing free apps most certainly has it's cons.

Laura thought, maybe an older guy is where it's at.  I figured I have this list of "musts" and people just are. not. cutting. it.   So, what seemed easiest to perhaps bend the expectation on? Age.  I sure as fuck was not about to make my age range younger, but I thought I might be able to find an older guy, possibly divorced but sane, more likely to have a good job, more likely to be wanting something substantial.... more likely to be a fucking douche on a stick seemed to be the end result.

First off, the red flag should have been that he wanted to meet up after like two sentences of conversation.  I even made a comment about that to the extent of, "you haven't even heard my good jokes yet."  Anyway, my second red flag should have been that he was spending that particular evening down at a local place I became familiar with when dating a complete disgrace of a person (I know that sounds harsh, but you have no idea). But whatever, I agreed to meeting up for a beer on a Friday.  He suggests a place called "Players"..... RED FLAG, LAURA... RED FLAG.  Laura's hesitation of responding must have prompted his "or we could go somewhere else."  I realized later he was just wanting to go where he could watch the game, but come on. Anyway, we end up at BJ's as I said I'd want some food.

We're at the bar at BJ's... great place to sit and get to know someone, but he was for sure preoccupied by the game.  Then the conversation made me want to just go home.  This guy.... ugh. Where to even start.

Guns.
Guns-guns-guns-guns.  WE GET IT!!! You fucking LOVE GUNS! "I love guns, I love to go shooting.  I have lots of guns. You should have a gun.  Not having a gun is like saying you should just leave your front door unlocked because your home is secure.  Saying you wouldn't shoot someone is like saying you wouldn't fight someone off who's trying to rape you. My guns have names, they're named Bill, Hillary, Chelsea, and Monica... my gun friends think it's funny."
Shut. The. Fuck. Up.
1. No, sir.... saying I wouldn't shoot another human being is NOT saying that I'd happily lay back and be raped.  You better fucking bet I would fight to the fucking death likely, but no if I had a gun I could not physically choose to shoot a person because fighting someone is different than highly likely killing them.  HUGE difference.
2. Locking my door and having a gun to shoot someone are two completely different things.  I also lock my door so that my animals won't run away if it were to blow open... having a gun won't fucking stop that.
3.  I'm glad you find your gun naming cute and funny.... I hope they also keep you warm and feeling loved at night while you probably jerk off to them.

California Hating
Home boy has come from out of state.  His residing locations within this beautiful state have been Fresno, Sacramento, and some work (not sure if he lived there) in Oroville.  I'm just gonna say, if Fresno and Oroville were ANYONE'S glimpse into California living... I would completely understand.  But no, he tells me how much he hates California, how everyone in California is fleeing California to go elsewhere.  He doesn't like the politics in California... and it's a crying fucking shame that he can't just be open carrying his pistol around.  "If I were in Arizona, I could just be walking around in the middle of the day just like what's up? **gestures to his hip to the pretend pistol**"  I responded, "Do you find that you need to have a pistol with you in the middle of the day frequently?"  "Well yah," he says, "If I need to shoot someone."  Mother. Fucker.  This is EXACTLY why we don't need every Tom, Dick, and Harry fucking carrying a goddamn pistol around as their American given right.

Laziness
This mother fucker starts telling me about how he doesn't cook anything anymore he orders it all so that he doesn't have to "dirty" any dishes or cooking utensils.  He also tells me that he finally went shopping for the first time ever and then begins to brag about how his entire outfit was new "new jeans, new shirt, new underwear.."  I said, "It sounds like you were out all night and needed clothes for tonight. That's what we call a go-pack."  He then tells me later that he has no clean clothes because he hasn't done laundry and that if he can pay for other people to do things he will... this asshole actually said, "like if i can pay some lady to clean my house, I will.. and do."  I responded, "you live alone right?"  "Yah" he says.  "You can't pick up after your damn self?"  This guy being single made so much sense.

The Rating.
The game is over, my beer is empty, he's ready to go.  Perfect.  Let's get the fuck out of this situation.
He walks me to my car and he says, "So what'd you think?"  I responded, "Excuse me?"  He repeats, "So what'd you think? I thought this was fun and we should do it again."  I look at him and I say, "Are you asking for a rating?" What the fuck am I supposed to say to this?  "Are we doing a 1-10? 1-5? a how likely are you?"  Fucking... you know what, just shoot me now... with Monica... she seemed like the best choice in your collection.

The City of Hearts that Certainly Won Mine

Well, Thanksgiving just happened.  Those who know me might know that a tradition the hubs and I had was to write a blog of what we were thankful for each year as a means to remind ourselves of all the blessings we'd had amidst the trials of cancer.  Last year I did one, on my own obviously, also to explain how this holiday has had my heart for many years.  That reason being that my first date with the hubs was Thanksgiving 2007.

This year, I did not do one of these posts for a couple of reasons:

A. I didn't feel like utilizing the old leukemia log blog just for that.

B. I may or may not have spent Thanksgiving in transit... to Denmark.

Okay, by "may or may not" I mean that I for sure did.  That's right, I spent my Holiday weekend in Copenhagen, Denmark.  Now, this was very well kept on the relative "down low" as the youngsters say.  I may have thought it would be funny to up and go and not say anything until I was there and that's exactly what I did.  Having said that, the few people who did know seemed to ask the question of, "Why Copenhagen?"

The reason being is because it was current manfriend's birthday (pause, yes a character has just been introduced) ... current manfriend turned 30 this month and it seemed like it should be celebrated with some sort of hurrah involved dealio.  I found some rather uber cheap flights and said (naturally), "Stockholm or Copenhagen?"  Copenhagen was chosen so we found an adorable flat on AirBnB to call home for a few days and off we went. 

Copenhagen, Oh Kobenhavn.  What a city! I can't even figure out where to begin.  I fell in love (with the CITY, guys... don't get carried away).  Why?  For starters, the city had hearts EVERYWHERE; the streets were lined with them, the shops had logos with them, the Queen's Guards' huts were even adorned with them.  Seriously, the city just burst with love and life and so much holiday spirit that even I couldn't be a grinch.

 Round Tower (Rundetaarn) 

So this was one of our first stops.  It's a 17th Century tower which is mostly a cobblestoned ramp-like walk up (super great leg work out) and about half way up it hosted an exhibit called "The Museum of Broken Relationships."  Interesting concept, this museum.  So it's been traveling around the world and essentially people submit articles from past relationships along with a story or blurb... or sometimes nothing, but the idea is that they gain some amount of closure by sending off their obscure saved mementos of the shit they went through.  This ranged from pairs of shoes, to souvenirs that matched other lovers-on-the-side, dildos (seriously, no joke), to even IVF kits.  It was really interesting.

Once you'd worked your way to the top of the tower you were rewarded with a bone chilling wind and a 360* view of the city of Copenhagen.

It's worth noting that I had on boots, jeans, leg warmers, clearly a scarf and hat, two shirts, a sweater, a jacket, and gloves... Pretty sure I still nearly froze to death.

 Took a canal tour which was pretty neat, got to see a lot of the city and landmarks via the waterway... and also froze nearly half to death, but look at this gorgeous view. Seriously a beautiful city.

TIVOLI

Tivoli Gardens is the oldest operating amusement park in the world.  Pretty neat little fun fact.  It was still cold AF so we felt adventurous and thought we would try what they call gløgg.... yes, i feel that the underlining, bolding, and italics are needed to emphasize the name of this "beverage."  With each sip, my body shuttered and I thought, "It's okay, the next one won't be so bad" and with each sip I continued that same process... not through just one cup, but TWO.  Yes, my dumb self thought one was not enough, that maybe a second cup would miraculously be amazing. When this was not the case, I then felt that typical wine was needed and proceeded to find myself leaving a Danish amusement park and attending first a Scottish Pub and then an Irish Pub and having enough glasses of wine that I can for sure add this evening to the extremely short list of nights that resulted in a hangover.  The moral of the story is, never drink Glogg... just go for the usual.

 Street Food is Where. It's. At.

Needless to say, the immediate photo below is of some EXTREMELY delicious potatoes that 

Hit. The. Spot.

They were roasted to perfection along with other veggies, bacon, cheese... and sticks? Mmmm.

 We then found ourselves hungover and wandering around the city which led us to Freetown Christiania... let me go ahead and put a plug to the wikipedia page of this little gem for ya. 

Some Good Stuff

 We happened to be there during a legalize weed rally which was interesting.  There were a couple of coffee shops and a bakery which smelled amazing, but I was too suspicious of the likely ingredients involved to feel adventurous enough to try.  Literally every ten feet or so were groups of 2-5 men in complete cover from the cold including balaclavas only revealing their eyes, shouting "I have hash, weed, and space cakes!" as we walked by wondering how in the norm this was. 

 I'd like to point out that the reason we'd wound up in that commune was because I had heard of this street food place in Christianshavn (Christiania is within Christianshavn).  Essentially, this was a MASSIVE warehouse that had been turned into the largest food court you'll have ever seen.  There were I want to say about three to four aisles (we'll call them) of little permanent huts for each vendor.  It was AMAZING.  There was everything you could imagine from all around the world.  I personally had some delicious Moroccan street food, manfriend went for tacos... because "when in Rome"--you eat food from home? I don't know. Anyway, the above photo is of a Creme Brûlée Donut.  I don't even need to say anymore about that.

The Little Mermaid

Apparently people come from far and wide to see this lovely lady on a rock.  It's modeled after a human model, therefore it is human sized. It was a gift to the city of Copenhagen, which is something we learned on our boat tour is common-- the city of Copenhagen has been "gifted" many things. It's quite strange but quite interesting at the same time.

15 Prostevej 

Our little home-away-from-home for a few days.

A Sunset to Warm the Heart

The Wonderful Heart-Lined Streets that Stole My Own Heart

It was a great trip. A truly wonderful trip. My heart will forever hold very dear this spontaneous decision of mine.  At one point I found myself in what was called Christmas Market which seemed to be somewhat City Center and it was there, holding a delicious little blue mug of cocoa, that my heart just felt overwhelmed with a sense of happiness that I have not felt in so very long. Because of that moment, when I got back I wrote what I will include below as my closing thoughts on this entry.  Enjoy.