Guns Don't Kill Dates, I do.

Let's be clear, the title is about the fella you're about to read about.  I originally made a second page entitled "Date Hell" as a special place to put all of those awful, special dates... the way that awful and special souls have a special place to go in the afterlife. However, I realized that I could only add to it vs. have separated entries and that annoyed me... so I've now moved this and x-nayed the separate page.

As a means to semi be nice and not throw these poor souls who can take all they can get in the date-points field, I'll try my best to leave names out of it.  This was certainly what we would call a "bumble fumble".   Oh, for those that don't know, Bumble is like a slight step up from Tinder in that it's not entirely full of "hook-up" seekers.... "entirely".  See, I refuse to pay for dating, I feel like that should come after I get kicked out of a convent; However, dating utilizing free apps most certainly has it's cons.

Laura thought, maybe an older guy is where it's at.  I figured I have this list of "musts" and people just are. not. cutting. it.   So, what seemed easiest to perhaps bend the expectation on? Age.  I sure as fuck was not about to make my age range younger, but I thought I might be able to find an older guy, possibly divorced but sane, more likely to have a good job, more likely to be wanting something substantial.... more likely to be a fucking douche on a stick seemed to be the end result.

First off, the red flag should have been that he wanted to meet up after like two sentences of conversation.  I even made a comment about that to the extent of, "you haven't even heard my good jokes yet."  Anyway, my second red flag should have been that he was spending that particular evening down at a local place I became familiar with when dating a complete disgrace of a person (I know that sounds harsh, but you have no idea). But whatever, I agreed to meeting up for a beer on a Friday.  He suggests a place called "Players"..... RED FLAG, LAURA... RED FLAG.  Laura's hesitation of responding must have prompted his "or we could go somewhere else."  I realized later he was just wanting to go where he could watch the game, but come on. Anyway, we end up at BJ's as I said I'd want some food.

We're at the bar at BJ's... great place to sit and get to know someone, but he was for sure preoccupied by the game.  Then the conversation made me want to just go home.  This guy.... ugh. Where to even start.

Guns.
Guns-guns-guns-guns.  WE GET IT!!! You fucking LOVE GUNS! "I love guns, I love to go shooting.  I have lots of guns. You should have a gun.  Not having a gun is like saying you should just leave your front door unlocked because your home is secure.  Saying you wouldn't shoot someone is like saying you wouldn't fight someone off who's trying to rape you. My guns have names, they're named Bill, Hillary, Chelsea, and Monica... my gun friends think it's funny."
Shut. The. Fuck. Up.
1. No, sir.... saying I wouldn't shoot another human being is NOT saying that I'd happily lay back and be raped.  You better fucking bet I would fight to the fucking death likely, but no if I had a gun I could not physically choose to shoot a person because fighting someone is different than highly likely killing them.  HUGE difference.
2. Locking my door and having a gun to shoot someone are two completely different things.  I also lock my door so that my animals won't run away if it were to blow open... having a gun won't fucking stop that.
3.  I'm glad you find your gun naming cute and funny.... I hope they also keep you warm and feeling loved at night while you probably jerk off to them.

California Hating
Home boy has come from out of state.  His residing locations within this beautiful state have been Fresno, Sacramento, and some work (not sure if he lived there) in Oroville.  I'm just gonna say, if Fresno and Oroville were ANYONE'S glimpse into California living... I would completely understand.  But no, he tells me how much he hates California, how everyone in California is fleeing California to go elsewhere.  He doesn't like the politics in California... and it's a crying fucking shame that he can't just be open carrying his pistol around.  "If I were in Arizona, I could just be walking around in the middle of the day just like what's up? **gestures to his hip to the pretend pistol**"  I responded, "Do you find that you need to have a pistol with you in the middle of the day frequently?"  "Well yah," he says, "If I need to shoot someone."  Mother. Fucker.  This is EXACTLY why we don't need every Tom, Dick, and Harry fucking carrying a goddamn pistol around as their American given right.

Laziness
This mother fucker starts telling me about how he doesn't cook anything anymore he orders it all so that he doesn't have to "dirty" any dishes or cooking utensils.  He also tells me that he finally went shopping for the first time ever and then begins to brag about how his entire outfit was new "new jeans, new shirt, new underwear.."  I said, "It sounds like you were out all night and needed clothes for tonight. That's what we call a go-pack."  He then tells me later that he has no clean clothes because he hasn't done laundry and that if he can pay for other people to do things he will... this asshole actually said, "like if i can pay some lady to clean my house, I will.. and do."  I responded, "you live alone right?"  "Yah" he says.  "You can't pick up after your damn self?"  This guy being single made so much sense.

The Rating.
The game is over, my beer is empty, he's ready to go.  Perfect.  Let's get the fuck out of this situation.
He walks me to my car and he says, "So what'd you think?"  I responded, "Excuse me?"  He repeats, "So what'd you think? I thought this was fun and we should do it again."  I look at him and I say, "Are you asking for a rating?" What the fuck am I supposed to say to this?  "Are we doing a 1-10? 1-5? a how likely are you?"  Fucking... you know what, just shoot me now... with Monica... she seemed like the best choice in your collection.

The City of Hearts that Certainly Won Mine

Well, Thanksgiving just happened.  Those who know me might know that a tradition the hubs and I had was to write a blog of what we were thankful for each year as a means to remind ourselves of all the blessings we'd had amidst the trials of cancer.  Last year I did one, on my own obviously, also to explain how this holiday has had my heart for many years.  That reason being that my first date with the hubs was Thanksgiving 2007.

This year, I did not do one of these posts for a couple of reasons:

A. I didn't feel like utilizing the old leukemia log blog just for that.

B. I may or may not have spent Thanksgiving in transit... to Denmark.

Okay, by "may or may not" I mean that I for sure did.  That's right, I spent my Holiday weekend in Copenhagen, Denmark.  Now, this was very well kept on the relative "down low" as the youngsters say.  I may have thought it would be funny to up and go and not say anything until I was there and that's exactly what I did.  Having said that, the few people who did know seemed to ask the question of, "Why Copenhagen?"

The reason being is because it was current manfriend's birthday (pause, yes a character has just been introduced) ... current manfriend turned 30 this month and it seemed like it should be celebrated with some sort of hurrah involved dealio.  I found some rather uber cheap flights and said (naturally), "Stockholm or Copenhagen?"  Copenhagen was chosen so we found an adorable flat on AirBnB to call home for a few days and off we went. 

Copenhagen, Oh Kobenhavn.  What a city! I can't even figure out where to begin.  I fell in love (with the CITY, guys... don't get carried away).  Why?  For starters, the city had hearts EVERYWHERE; the streets were lined with them, the shops had logos with them, the Queen's Guards' huts were even adorned with them.  Seriously, the city just burst with love and life and so much holiday spirit that even I couldn't be a grinch.

 Round Tower (Rundetaarn) 

So this was one of our first stops.  It's a 17th Century tower which is mostly a cobblestoned ramp-like walk up (super great leg work out) and about half way up it hosted an exhibit called "The Museum of Broken Relationships."  Interesting concept, this museum.  So it's been traveling around the world and essentially people submit articles from past relationships along with a story or blurb... or sometimes nothing, but the idea is that they gain some amount of closure by sending off their obscure saved mementos of the shit they went through.  This ranged from pairs of shoes, to souvenirs that matched other lovers-on-the-side, dildos (seriously, no joke), to even IVF kits.  It was really interesting.

Once you'd worked your way to the top of the tower you were rewarded with a bone chilling wind and a 360* view of the city of Copenhagen.

It's worth noting that I had on boots, jeans, leg warmers, clearly a scarf and hat, two shirts, a sweater, a jacket, and gloves... Pretty sure I still nearly froze to death.

 Took a canal tour which was pretty neat, got to see a lot of the city and landmarks via the waterway... and also froze nearly half to death, but look at this gorgeous view. Seriously a beautiful city.

TIVOLI

Tivoli Gardens is the oldest operating amusement park in the world.  Pretty neat little fun fact.  It was still cold AF so we felt adventurous and thought we would try what they call gløgg.... yes, i feel that the underlining, bolding, and italics are needed to emphasize the name of this "beverage."  With each sip, my body shuttered and I thought, "It's okay, the next one won't be so bad" and with each sip I continued that same process... not through just one cup, but TWO.  Yes, my dumb self thought one was not enough, that maybe a second cup would miraculously be amazing. When this was not the case, I then felt that typical wine was needed and proceeded to find myself leaving a Danish amusement park and attending first a Scottish Pub and then an Irish Pub and having enough glasses of wine that I can for sure add this evening to the extremely short list of nights that resulted in a hangover.  The moral of the story is, never drink Glogg... just go for the usual.

 Street Food is Where. It's. At.

Needless to say, the immediate photo below is of some EXTREMELY delicious potatoes that 

Hit. The. Spot.

They were roasted to perfection along with other veggies, bacon, cheese... and sticks? Mmmm.

 We then found ourselves hungover and wandering around the city which led us to Freetown Christiania... let me go ahead and put a plug to the wikipedia page of this little gem for ya. 

Some Good Stuff

 We happened to be there during a legalize weed rally which was interesting.  There were a couple of coffee shops and a bakery which smelled amazing, but I was too suspicious of the likely ingredients involved to feel adventurous enough to try.  Literally every ten feet or so were groups of 2-5 men in complete cover from the cold including balaclavas only revealing their eyes, shouting "I have hash, weed, and space cakes!" as we walked by wondering how in the norm this was. 

 I'd like to point out that the reason we'd wound up in that commune was because I had heard of this street food place in Christianshavn (Christiania is within Christianshavn).  Essentially, this was a MASSIVE warehouse that had been turned into the largest food court you'll have ever seen.  There were I want to say about three to four aisles (we'll call them) of little permanent huts for each vendor.  It was AMAZING.  There was everything you could imagine from all around the world.  I personally had some delicious Moroccan street food, manfriend went for tacos... because "when in Rome"--you eat food from home? I don't know. Anyway, the above photo is of a Creme Brûlée Donut.  I don't even need to say anymore about that.

The Little Mermaid

Apparently people come from far and wide to see this lovely lady on a rock.  It's modeled after a human model, therefore it is human sized. It was a gift to the city of Copenhagen, which is something we learned on our boat tour is common-- the city of Copenhagen has been "gifted" many things. It's quite strange but quite interesting at the same time.

15 Prostevej 

Our little home-away-from-home for a few days.

A Sunset to Warm the Heart

The Wonderful Heart-Lined Streets that Stole My Own Heart

It was a great trip. A truly wonderful trip. My heart will forever hold very dear this spontaneous decision of mine.  At one point I found myself in what was called Christmas Market which seemed to be somewhat City Center and it was there, holding a delicious little blue mug of cocoa, that my heart just felt overwhelmed with a sense of happiness that I have not felt in so very long. Because of that moment, when I got back I wrote what I will include below as my closing thoughts on this entry.  Enjoy. 

 

Space Truckin' and Time Traveling

Quick Side Note: I sort of wanted to title this one Prude Gone Wild.... HA damn. 

So here's the thing, having a husband with a very serious immune-compromised condition that entails some rather serious treatment (sometimes over a month living in the hospital), a lot of life gets put on hold.  There are a lot of things such as trips, concerts, being out and about, etc. that becomes a lot more difficult when you can't be more than a half hour away from your hospital, can't go in crowds, and don't have the energy anyway.  So with that said, there had been things (couple of concerts) we'd planned to go to but Tom had insisted I hold off on buying the tickets (yah)... so when it came around I decided "fuck it, I'm gonna go and I'm gonna have a fucking great time for Tom."  Begin, "SLO Story."

So, it was October or November (who fucking cares) and Judas Priest would be playing in Paso Robles and the brother in law lives in San Luis Obispo (the mentioned SLO).  There was a group of us, one of Tom's closest friends, his girlfriend (who I'll boastfully put the plug out there that I set them up), and the roomie.   We road trip the five hours down there and see an EPIC show by Judas Priest and then we decided to hit the town.  Well, worth mentioning that the brother-in-law works at one of the pubs downtown and lets just say that even though up until this point I would have been described as someone who never drinks, I was determined to keep up with the crew.   I should also mention that all I'd had was one bean burrito from taco bell and some celery all day.  It was on this occasion where I learned the important lesson of having food in the stomach when drinking.  There was a lot of tequila, a lot of other mixed shots, a lot of alcohol.  Point being, I kept up alright... and then it all hit me so quickly as we waited for our uber.  I tried to utilize a non-stabilized newspaper holder for a means of support-- I ended up finding myself glued to the outside wall while watching some crazy girl shout at our group and her male friend also shouting ... so much shouting (who fucking knows why). I interjected as the peace keeper and said, "hey-hey, it's all good" and the male friend whipped around and told me, "Don't you tell me I'm all good- oh I'm good."  Not sure, whether that meant he was agreeing... but I just stood there and wondered whether anyone else was able to make a plan to get us back to the hotel because I was not capable of doing so.

We get back to the hotel, where it might be fair to say that not a single one of us was anywhere near "clear mind."  I lay on the floor between the two beds because I'm convinced I'll end up there unplanned otherwise.... as I look up, standing above me is the lovely girlfriend (wearing shorts), and I get a straight up view which for whatever reason made me laugh so incredibly hard for feeling like a creeper.  I laughed, and laughed, and laughed, and it was about 2am so the hotel keep called the room and informed the lovely girlfriend that they needed to shut me up. Just to point out, I was then up at a spritely 7am down getting coffee and shitty Svenhard's pastries for the group to wake up and be ready for brunch.  #nohangovershere #winning  So annoyingly kind of me, I know.

----------------------------------------- Fast Forward (Time Machine)----------------------------------------

So life continued, I took advantage of seeing shows I knew Tom and i would have had a blast at, each time sharing it with different awesome company.  It was pretty cool.  The doing fun shit and hosting events was pretty fun.  So I decided to host a party just because... so I did.  It was time people got together, chilled out, had some laughs.. you know... not adult for a moment.  Well, Laura invited folks from various life periods: friends, coworkers, etc. and we had a super fantastic time.  Here's the thing (I say that a lot), I really find that I do well with tequila.  I can drink a decent amount of it and the worst that happens is I end up on the floor laughing hysterically.  I like those results.

Well, Tom also had some "special" brownies that he used for anxiety and sleep, and to just feel better about his day and watch Ace Ventura with extra laughter.  I may have thought it would be a good idea to see what that was all about.  Remember, I also really like tequila.   There I am, on the patio surrounded by some super awesome people, enjoying the moment... and all of a sudden I get this shit eating grin on my face and I realize womp womp, shit's about to be different.  Well it was all fine and dandy for awhile as I just found everyone super hilarious and all I could think of was that I felt like I was "Space Truckin" (yes the fucking Deep Purple song from before I was ever born).  I just felt like I was time traveling.

The evening went on, the giggles worsened, folks left.... eventually I did find myself on my living room floor laughing so hard (now this is a typical tequila situation), that I just remember my head hitting the floor and me dyyyyyying laughing at a friend's impression.  I collected myself and I tried to make a PB&J sandwich to join the couple of folks who remained on the couch.  Oh Jesus... was that ever a trip or what?!  I took the butter knife and scooped the peanut butter out of the jar and as I tried to spread it onto the bread, I just couldn't quite coordinate that.  I thought to myself "clearly the world of snapchat needs this" and I snapchatted myself trying to spread peanut butter with myself saying, "I don't know where it begins and where it ends... but it's just peanut butter--you know?"  Laura, what in the fuck does that mean?!  I head over to the couch to sit down and watch this comedian a friend has put on the television and suddenly I'm hearing everything like ten times and it feels like the world's worst case of dejàvú ... I have to get out of here-- RIGHT. NOW.

I bid the two people adieu and say I'm headed to bed... which meant I walked about ten feet and sat down.  One person decides to see if I need assistance, to which I respond by laying on the floor and describing that I'm in the movie Inception.  He laughed as I tried to explain that I was currently "falling through dimensions but in a circle repeatedly."  It's fair to say this was an incredibly uncomfortable feeling.  I insisted I needed no help to get to my bed which felt an ocean away (ha that will soon be relevant). I tried to stand up and sat back down.  I laid down again on the floor and with my face on the wood floor, cheek skewed as I pushed my body down the hall with my feet, I insisted to my concerned friend, "Nah, nah... I've got this... I'm gonna swim to my bed."
I get to my bed... who the fuck knows how long it took... and as I make my way up to my pillows with probably some really horribly uncoordinated log roll style... I then began to tell my friend how I was convinced I was going to die.  As he laughed and reassured me I'd be okay, I explained that I knew it might be anxiety and that Tom once went to the hospital for being too high and thinking he was having a heart attack, but I was freaking out and weirdly trying to be cognitive about calming down... It was around 4am (provided I remember correctly) when I finally decided to close my eyes and try to sleep this off.

I had a full mimosa brunch planned the next morning for the guests that would stay over; However, I did not wake up at a spritely 7am this time around ... I woke up at 1:30pm to a house of no guests.   My guests so politely let themselves out and didn't disturb me.  Which is good because I described the following day as a day where everything was moving in slow motion.

Worst. Idea. Ever.  That's my encounter of edibles and tequila.  One and Done.  Laura doesn't need a two for woo.  But hey- I was 27 and there's a whole "club" of people who made far worse decisions at that age (terrible 27-Club joke).  Twenty-seven was a very interesting year of finding myself... I'm not sure that I've really managed it, but it was quite the year.  Mother had serious concerns I was "getting too crazy" as she put it.  Each time I responded to her, "It's hardly like I'm out doing fucking meth, calm down."

There's something interesting about having your entire life-plan be so incredibly derailed and something to be said about growing up through adulthood with another person and now suddenly needing to learn what life on your own is like. Life on my own is an incredibly new chapter... I was sharing my lovely home with a young lady who moved in immediately when Tom passed, which eased the fear of sitting in an empty house, but now I sit in this space and I'm learning what being an independent woman looks like.  Once taking the plunge to just trust in yourself, it's almost empowering to realize that you're good enough as just you and that you can choose to spend time and share space with others, but that you don't need it. That's the life lesson I've been working on... making my space and my self just present and mine, not stuck in what was or what was hoped to be. No pressure and no expectations, what a concept for this virgo-eldest child.

Here's to 28 and more life adventures that make my mother shake her head and wonder when I'll just "get it together" and start producing grandchildren, baking pies, and living back in the good ole hometown.  Here's to more morning thoughts of "well that was crazy!" And here's to the existential scavenger hunt of finding yourself in your late twenties when you thought you'd had it all fucking figured out.  Fuck you Universe... I've got this.