The Clinger.
Hold onto your hair, Norma, because this one is going to drive you bonkers. This guy was legit the reason I googled "beachfront convents" in hopes of finding a unicorn of a place where I could just finish out my years on Earth. This was my very brief encounter with the app called "clover" and I cannot emphasize "brief" enough. First of all, that app allows people outside of the parameters that you've set and outside of those you've "matched" with to message you! That is just madness! Can we all agree that very. little. good. could possibly come from that cocktail of contact criteria. Especially if you're like me and it's very challenging to come out the gate a total asshole so you passive aggressively skate around the "I'm not interested" issue. Alas, you're not here for the good stories though are you, so let's continue shall we?
Red Flag Number 1: Dude has next to no photos, not of full body or clear images anyway. Maybe he's just not into taking photos? I don't know. Homeboy lived in Napa which on paper would seem a viable option: Decent location, far enough to not always be taking up my time, must be a certain level of SES one would think. So I thought, let's not fret about the lack of photos, don't be so vain after all. (Absolutely, one should be so vain #toptip)
Red Flag Number 2: He told me he was set to go to Disneyland with his family, but had changed his flight so as to potentially drive the hour and a half to meet me for dinner. This absolutely should have been my first clue. One Hundred Percent. I had clearly said there was no need but he wasn't having it, he insisted and I obliged.
Red Flag Number 3: He has me meet him outside of Bath and Body Works because he needed to stop and buy stuff for his "Airbnbs". I thought, "Oh, he lives in Napa and he has a couple of Airbnbs, how bad can this be???" I arrive and he says he's checking out so I just wait in my car. I see him come out the store and I just start praying for it to not be him. Remember the "5'10 = 5'6" blog??? Roughly based on this dude (and others). HE WAS SO SHORT!!!! I was now upset. The photo gallery was Absolutely Necessary and now I'm feeling like he's pigeon-holed me into being an asshole because I can't claim it's "false advertising" because there wasn't any advertising, but this guy is just not attractive. I don't even care how quickly I'm going to hell for this, if you've done any online dating then you have likely experienced this moment where you're just like "FUCK. How long do I need to stay before I can duck out of this?" or "why didn't I set up the decoy phone call with my friend?!"
Red Flag Number 4: I proceed as if I'm unscathed by this shock to the system and I ask, "so where are we going for dinner?" I want to first note that we are in Roseville, California and we are near the mall where literally dozens of mid-seriously nice restaurants exist. He replies, "Tahoe Joe's." Now, I've never at this point been to Tahoe Joe's but mainly because, well... why?
Moral Quandary Number 1: So we're in separate cars and we have to now drive to Tahoe Joe's. Please note I'm at this point not sure whether to laugh like a crazy person or cry that this is my life and I'm in my late 20's with this as my dating pool. The quandary is now, do I actually drive to Tahoe Joe's and do this dinner or do I just drive the fuck home, block the number, potentially change my number, maybe even my name, and proceed as if I have a time machine and this never happened?
I elected to drive as fast as I could (legally) so that I could get there and walk directly to the waitress and hand her my card, instructing her to "just run it when we are done, don't bring the bill, just make sure it's paid." I was not about to stay longer or owe any continued contact with this person.
Red Flag Number 5: We are now sitting across from each other in this fucking Tahoe Joe's and he asks to see my hand. I hesitantly present my hand thinking there's something on it or wrong and he DOUBLE hand holds my hand. One hand on top and one hand on bottom, cradling my hand. I experienced a (very noticeable) visceral reaction in which I cringed and quickly withdrew my hand and tried not to vomit.
Red Flag Number 6: He did not stop talking... about himself. All of his ventures from his Airbnbs in some rather desirable places, to his showing off of photos for the client he represented on some talent show (America's Got Talent, or Idol, or who knows maybe even the Gong Show... clearly I wasn't listening), to also showing me photos of him on the Raider's Field with John Madden (admittedly, I initially wrote Steve) while he talked about his potential designing the new Raider's Stadium (he's an architect too, btw). It keeps going, and going, and going; as my interest keeps decreasing and decreasing. Why weren't these photos on his "profile"??
Moral Quandary Number 2: This guy is driving me up the wall (and not in the way you'd want), he's not attractive, he's much shorter than I could realistically disregard, but he may or may not have some seriously good connections and the potential to provide a really comfortable lifestyle. Do I just own up to the fact that I just can't do this and I'm feeling physically sick the more he talks or do I bite the bullet and see if a second date might reveal how much smoke is being blown here?
Red Flag Number 7: He gets upset when the lady brings the settled bill to me. Not over the top upset so I can't utilize this as a reason to call it, but he's clearly annoyed. This does not however stop him from continuing to talk about his fancy cars and how I should come visit and we'd go to one of his Airbnbs. It's important to note that I believe the only contribution I made to the conversation through the entirety of dinner was me saying that Costco's new packaging of milk was so absurd (being in rectangles with flat tops) that I was no longer buying their milk and now buying organic at three times the price just to be able to pour milk from a normal gallon container (This will be important later).
He continues to talk about himself and we leave the restaurant, again he says something to where I think something is on me so I turn my back to him expecting, I don't know-- a giant spider to be swatted off of me because how can this evening get any worse??? No. Suddenly his hands are on my shoulders and he's trying to give me a massage!!!
My response was almost MMA level duck-and-turn-around and then I excused myself and went home for the night. He drove all the way home and proceeded to text me that if I wanted, he'd turn around and come all the way back. No thank you. A heavy pass for me.
Moral Quandary Number 3: Do I ghost him, be direct, or just hope it fizzles?
I executed all of these in reverse order. It was certainly not fizzling. I then told him directly that I just wasn't into him. He continued to message me. Now here's where the milk fact comes in. Every time I thought it had fizzled out, I'd get a text that would read "I was just in costco and I didn't buy the weird milk. You should come visit." WTF?! This went on for MONTHS. Our date was in August and well into the holidays I was still getting these rando messages!!!! I then went from being direct to coming up with anything I could possibly conjure up:
1. I'm dating someone.
2. I'm moving... far away.
3. I'm considering becoming a nun.
4. (my favorite) I've joined a patriarchal occult and the leader would not be happy if I was talking to another male. His response: Cool, can I join???
I could not shake this guy. So I just took to the "ghosting" but I didn't block, I just ignored. Fast forward to Valentine's Day and at FIVE AM.... FIVE AM, PEOPLE.... at five am he texts "Happy Valentine's Day, we do not get to choose who we love..." followed by other stuff I've blocked out of my memory. It was at this point in time that the real life boyfriend blocked him for me.
That, ladies and gentlemen, is the longest story to capture a well and truly frightening example of The Clinger.
