Let's be clear, the title is about the fella you're about to read about. I originally made a second page entitled "Date Hell" as a special place to put all of those awful, special dates... the way that awful and special souls have a special place to go in the afterlife. However, I realized that I could only add to it vs. have separated entries and that annoyed me... so I've now moved this and x-nayed the separate page.
Laura thought, maybe an older guy is where it's at. I figured I have this list of "musts" and people just are. not. cutting. it. So, what seemed easiest to perhaps bend the expectation on? Age. I sure as fuck was not about to make my age range younger, but I thought I might be able to find an older guy, possibly divorced but sane, more likely to have a good job, more likely to be wanting something substantial.... more likely to be a fucking douche on a stick seemed to be the end result.
First off, the red flag should have been that he wanted to meet up after like two sentences of conversation. I even made a comment about that to the extent of, "you haven't even heard my good jokes yet." Anyway, my second red flag should have been that he was spending that particular evening down at a local place I became familiar with when dating a complete disgrace of a person (I know that sounds harsh, but you have no idea). But whatever, I agreed to meeting up for a beer on a Friday. He suggests a place called "Players"..... RED FLAG, LAURA... RED FLAG. Laura's hesitation of responding must have prompted his "or we could go somewhere else." I realized later he was just wanting to go where he could watch the game, but come on. Anyway, we end up at BJ's as I said I'd want some food.
We're at the bar at BJ's... great place to sit and get to know someone, but he was for sure preoccupied by the game. Then the conversation made me want to just go home. This guy.... ugh. Where to even start.
Guns-guns-guns-guns. WE GET IT!!! You fucking LOVE GUNS! "I love guns, I love to go shooting. I have lots of guns. You should have a gun. Not having a gun is like saying you should just leave your front door unlocked because your home is secure. Saying you wouldn't shoot someone is like saying you wouldn't fight someone off who's trying to rape you. My guns have names, they're named Bill, Hillary, Chelsea, and Monica... my gun friends think it's funny."
Shut. The. Fuck. Up.
1. No, sir.... saying I wouldn't shoot another human being is NOT saying that I'd happily lay back and be raped. You better fucking bet I would fight to the fucking death likely, but no if I had a gun I could not physically choose to shoot a person because fighting someone is different than highly likely killing them. HUGE difference.
2. Locking my door and having a gun to shoot someone are two completely different things. I also lock my door so that my animals won't run away if it were to blow open... having a gun won't fucking stop that.
3. I'm glad you find your gun naming cute and funny.... I hope they also keep you warm and feeling loved at night while you probably jerk off to them.
Home boy has come from out of state. His residing locations within this beautiful state have been Fresno, Sacramento, and some work (not sure if he lived there) in Oroville. I'm just gonna say, if Fresno and Oroville were ANYONE'S glimpse into California living... I would completely understand. But no, he tells me how much he hates California, how everyone in California is fleeing California to go elsewhere. He doesn't like the politics in California... and it's a crying fucking shame that he can't just be open carrying his pistol around. "If I were in Arizona, I could just be walking around in the middle of the day just like what's up? **gestures to his hip to the pretend pistol**" I responded, "Do you find that you need to have a pistol with you in the middle of the day frequently?" "Well yah," he says, "If I need to shoot someone." Mother. Fucker. This is EXACTLY why we don't need every Tom, Dick, and Harry fucking carrying a goddamn pistol around as their American given right.
This mother fucker starts telling me about how he doesn't cook anything anymore he orders it all so that he doesn't have to "dirty" any dishes or cooking utensils. He also tells me that he finally went shopping for the first time ever and then begins to brag about how his entire outfit was new "new jeans, new shirt, new underwear.." I said, "It sounds like you were out all night and needed clothes for tonight. That's what we call a go-pack." He then tells me later that he has no clean clothes because he hasn't done laundry and that if he can pay for other people to do things he will... this asshole actually said, "like if i can pay some lady to clean my house, I will.. and do." I responded, "you live alone right?" "Yah" he says. "You can't pick up after your damn self?" This guy being single made so much sense.
The game is over, my beer is empty, he's ready to go. Perfect. Let's get the fuck out of this situation.
He walks me to my car and he says, "So what'd you think?" I responded, "Excuse me?" He repeats, "So what'd you think? I thought this was fun and we should do it again." I look at him and I say, "Are you asking for a rating?" What the fuck am I supposed to say to this? "Are we doing a 1-10? 1-5? a how likely are you?" Fucking... you know what, just shoot me now... with Monica... she seemed like the best choice in your collection.