Monday, January 9, 2017

5'10" = 5'6"

So now that we have established a couple of things- those things being what the 60:40 rule is and that dating via apps fucking sucks... Let's discuss some basics in the dating app world... mostly, let's discuss "cat fishing" and how much you want to punch someone in the groin for doing it.

"Cat fishing" is evidently the term that is used when someone sells themselves as Package A and they are in fact not even a package of the alphabetical type, but some fucking shipped in from China knock off that you're not sure has anything to do with what you ordered.

When I first entered into the world of dating again and utilizing apps, I heard the following phrase quite frequently from my dates, "Oh thank GOD you look like your photo!"  The first couple of times I was genuinely surprised, "Why wouldn't I?" was my response.  To which I then became incredibly interested in the experiences these guys had previously encountered and I learned about this word, "catfish".  WHYYYYYY would anyone do this?! Like how fucking embarrassing for both parties.  If you have any intention of meeting up with this person, whyyyyy would you put either of you in the position of "Oh, sorry.  Yeah I'm not a 5'9", 140lb, blonde-haired, blue eyed blonde, who loves hiking, dogs, comic books, loads of pizza, and gaming.... mostly just the last three are true... maybe just the second to last."  Like, seriously... What. The. Fuck. Nonetheless, I asked each of these guys what they did in these scenarios and I just want to point out that even via an app I sometimes am a damn good judge of character as each of them said they still bought the ladies in question their dinner ... as they also proceeded to ask them what the fuck is wrong with them. ha.  

I digress, the point is-- knock it off, ladies! Jesus fucking Christ! If you're that uncomfortable with yourself do yourself the favor and fucking be honest because it for suuuuuuuure isn't going to be a better way to go about it by having that awkward moment.

But gentlemen... you're fucking awful too. So homegirl lied about her weight and her cat obsession (let's be honest, that's pretty much the gist of it), but fuck me when it comes to guys lying about their HEIGHT!!!! You want to talk about awkward?! Awkward is expecting you could put some wedges on and still get a decent hug while looking up and then finding out you have to bend down to pat the back of a dwarf awkwardly like you're still interested.  Here's the thing, I don't think I've ever once asked a guy what his height is.  Guys, on the other hand, ask chicks for loooooads of additional photos to prove their current state of whatever.  Guys... guys list their height!!!! They actually put it on there "6 foot because apparently that matters" or  "Don't worry, you can wear heels."  Jesus, nice creative line dude.

In any case... 6 foot = 6 foot.  I can confirm that people don't seem to lie about that one.  Anything 6 foot and up seems to be legit and honest, comfortable in being honest about their height if you will.
Now, it get's dicey below 6 foot.  Here's why:

5'11" is probably going to tell you he's 6' and you know what, give it to him.
5'10" I've yet to meet 5'10" but I'll tell you this- at least three times now I've seen "5'10"" listed on a profile and homeboy turns up and is either my height or shorter (aka he's fucking 5'6").  Every time I have to practice my poker face and pretend I don't notice the FUCKING FOUR INCH DISCREPANCY! Like seriously dude!!! How was I not going to notice this?  And this isn't a matter of "oh well maybe I can win her over with my amazing personality"  NO... NO... NO! Because now I'm legit just staring and wondering how you thought I wasn't going to notice this.

Why haven't I mentioned anything below 5'10"?  Because no one lists they're shorter than 5'10".  If there's no listing, you can guarantee they're short AF. Get your detective skills on and study their pictures for points of reference (like doors and other friends, but don't rely on the friend photos because they could be a whole gang of dwarves).

My other theory here is also that because they know you'll notice, they really do try to win you over by just non-stop talking about all of the great things they've done or are doing and how successful they are.  **Yawn** It's not okay.  It is not okay for me to think I'm going to meet some handsome dude and find out that a child-sized-man has shown up and I could probably beat him up. Just stop it, guys.  That's not a 60:40 master move.  It just isn't.  That's you being your own damn cock-block. Because now the chick across from you is wondering what else is likely not the size she thought-- just saying.

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